Pimpin' ain't easy. Just ask my mom
Well, it's that dreaded part of the day. That 3:30-5 pm time slot when despair really hits, when you begin to question why the hell you are working where you are, doing what you're doing, wasting your youth and your potential, etc. And worst of all, it's after lunch but too far from dinner, so there really is nothing to look forward to.
So I thought that I'd use this time to answer that all-important question: what does my mother think about my love life? This is part one of the ongoing experiment that is the mother-daughter relationship.
Experiment Try to cope with Mom's desperate attempts to marry me off tNice Jewish Boy.
Hypothesis My mother won't leave me alone until I'm married.
Set Up Last year all three of my older brothers got married. It was a joyous if stressful time for my family, but now that they are all wed, my mom has turned her sights on me.
She has been trying to fix me up with appropriately marriageable men since I was in college. This has mainly involved her giving my phone number out to any and every single Jewish man that enters her radar. She hands my number out like candy. If you're ever in a men's bathroom and you see "For a good time, call Crash Tester P" scribbled on the wall, that's my mom. She's workin' for her baby.
Every once in a while I'll get a call from Asher Cohen-Levenstein who will tell me his Aunt Hadassah gave him my number. The first time I got such a call I was in college and actually had a boyfriend, though he did not meet Mom's criteria (i.e. he was a raging gentile). I've never gone out with any of these guys, but that doesn't stop my parents, or any of their friends, from trying to pimp me out.
Question Whenever I go to my parents' apartment, my mom waits until the exact right moment to pounce, and then, when her time has come, she'll ask in the most off-handed way, as though the question just popped into her mind for the first time ever, "So, have you met anybody?" After that it can go one of two ways. I either break down and moan about how I'll be alone forever and nobody loves me, or, as is usually the case, I play it coy.
Mom: So, have you met anybody recently?
Me: I meet lots of people
Mom: I mean, like, a nice boy?
Me: Not since you asked me on Tuesday.
What ensues then is my mother's instructions on how to catch me a man. Here are some of my Mom's expert dating tips:
1. Don't be so picky. You're not so perfect yourself.
2. Just because you go out with a guy doesn't mean that you have to like him. He may have friends.
3. No need to act so smart. Nobody has to know how intelligent you are.
4. What you really need to do is "put yourself out there."
5. Why don't you go to a Jewish Mixer?
6. You could hang out outside of the NYU Law Library. That way, you could meet men who will be lawyers.
That last one baffles me the most. Like if I just stand around on 4th street, the lawyers will come flocking to me? I'm a litigation magnet!
Anyway, the last time I went home, I asked my mother to set me up, for "an experiment." She looked skeptical, but also thrilled,. So have no fear, readers, I may be single and atheistic these days, but Mama's on the case. Asher Cohen-Levenstein, I'm waiting by the phone...
So I thought that I'd use this time to answer that all-important question: what does my mother think about my love life? This is part one of the ongoing experiment that is the mother-daughter relationship.
Experiment Try to cope with Mom's desperate attempts to marry me off tNice Jewish Boy.
Hypothesis My mother won't leave me alone until I'm married.
Set Up Last year all three of my older brothers got married. It was a joyous if stressful time for my family, but now that they are all wed, my mom has turned her sights on me.
She has been trying to fix me up with appropriately marriageable men since I was in college. This has mainly involved her giving my phone number out to any and every single Jewish man that enters her radar. She hands my number out like candy. If you're ever in a men's bathroom and you see "For a good time, call Crash Tester P" scribbled on the wall, that's my mom. She's workin' for her baby.
Every once in a while I'll get a call from Asher Cohen-Levenstein who will tell me his Aunt Hadassah gave him my number. The first time I got such a call I was in college and actually had a boyfriend, though he did not meet Mom's criteria (i.e. he was a raging gentile). I've never gone out with any of these guys, but that doesn't stop my parents, or any of their friends, from trying to pimp me out.
Question Whenever I go to my parents' apartment, my mom waits until the exact right moment to pounce, and then, when her time has come, she'll ask in the most off-handed way, as though the question just popped into her mind for the first time ever, "So, have you met anybody?" After that it can go one of two ways. I either break down and moan about how I'll be alone forever and nobody loves me, or, as is usually the case, I play it coy.
Mom: So, have you met anybody recently?
Me: I meet lots of people
Mom: I mean, like, a nice boy?
Me: Not since you asked me on Tuesday.
What ensues then is my mother's instructions on how to catch me a man. Here are some of my Mom's expert dating tips:
1. Don't be so picky. You're not so perfect yourself.
2. Just because you go out with a guy doesn't mean that you have to like him. He may have friends.
3. No need to act so smart. Nobody has to know how intelligent you are.
4. What you really need to do is "put yourself out there."
5. Why don't you go to a Jewish Mixer?
6. You could hang out outside of the NYU Law Library. That way, you could meet men who will be lawyers.
That last one baffles me the most. Like if I just stand around on 4th street, the lawyers will come flocking to me? I'm a litigation magnet!
Anyway, the last time I went home, I asked my mother to set me up, for "an experiment." She looked skeptical, but also thrilled,. So have no fear, readers, I may be single and atheistic these days, but Mama's on the case. Asher Cohen-Levenstein, I'm waiting by the phone...
posted by Crash Tester P at 7:07 PM
2 Comments:
I hope Asher doesn't try calling this blog, because it is OFF THE HOOK!!
lol! it's that existential crisis time of the day for me too (approximately 4:08 PST) and i'm waiting for my dad who, despite renouncing all cultural/religious associations with Judaism, puts me through much the same rigamarole. only he asks the question like this: "So, what are you doing with your free time?" to which the answers, "nothing, I have no free time," "hanging out with friends" and "running" are never acceptable. luckily, he's not in contact with any Asher Cohen-Levinsteins ...
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